Whispers To The Oblivion ...

  Life is, but snow. Crumbling down as you try to hold on firm in fistfuls. And I stare out of my window with blurry eyes shortening breaths, as if it were winter days of Iowa City. The sun shining upon the snow a blazing white light blinding when it hits the eyes I wish everything came to a standstill like the white frosting on trees I wish the struggle were over One day Today at mid-noon? in the evening? Life moves forth Time passes by Pain remains Stubborn. Resilient. I have to shovel the heaviness in my heart I have to dissolve the knots in the pits of my stomach. Please, God, give me the strength to be able to breathe in the next moment.

One December evening, preceding supper, the knife had taken too much of my flesh. I couldn't help losing dexterity on my culinary skills, on all of my life, one crimson drop at a time. The kind doctor had covered my wounds, promised it would heal. And as I lay at night aching every place I wondered who'd bandage my bleeding heart, Who'd promise it will heal?

Pain resurfaces after midnight and sometimes flow out of my eyes then leave me numb peeling me out of  the dark into the absinthe of evil insecurities. Unheralded, epiphanies settle in everyone will always  choose someone over me Someone more beautiful Someone more worthy Someone  better over me always.

Awake from slumber, still in a trance, my being liquidating into droplets, one after the other dripping like the rain from the heavens. Black demons, ugly demons, ugly memories from the past that I revisit  tirelessly again. History repeats itself and I break apart, What do I do with this lump in my throat this lovesickness this homesickness this congestion in my chest? Touch is such a lovely feeling but what if  it had an evil side an overlooked premonition? Love is such a homely feeling but what if  I told you today that it can too, set fire to all things you've called home- people, places, and time?

 Maybe someday, the words will freeze in my throat, someday I will no longer have to console myself, and cajole to move from the bed, someday, I will merge into a deep nothingness peace will bestow down upon us as my throbbing head bursts into a thousand confetti. Someday, my breaths wouldn't be as labored and my eyes wouldn't be wary of the reflection in the mirror Someday day I will stop deferring suicide by another day and then another, for the hope of a little love. One day.

Margaret, are you grieving over the evergreens unleafing? How long did you hear the muffled screams of the world? Did you inhale enough fragrant air before the blight began to steal its flair? When ice caps collapsed and beasts starved to death, were you shook, were you out of your breath? when wounded ozone and plastic water surfaced did you shove aside your selfish sycophant quest? Lynched and poisoned when helpless lives were killed Have not refuted to your fascist religious guild? As the world took a step to apocalypse each day, were you revolting, or trembling in dismay? How aloof were you then, till wreathing fires breathed upon the brows of men? What is that you mourn for? Margaret, this is the world you were born for. 

I want to roll over the bed and see you smiling in your sleep like last time when I know you are dreaming of something beautiful I want to kiss you on the cheeks and rub my nose against the grooves of your face   You wouldn’t budge maverick to remain engrossed in dreams I’d run my fingers on your face your hair, your peering collarbones and then decide to taste your lips bruised and dry from last night’s adventures. Still tired, your eyes.   I would whisper a complaint and groan, impatient But I would always wake you up But I would always kiss your lips when I’d see you smiling in your sleep I know you had been dreaming of something beautiful something peaceful like home, like me in your arms.