Skip to main content

Time Flies

How time flies, doesn’t it? It’s 11th December again. Life has reversed its gears from happiness to sadness and back and forth countless number of times. I sit at my desk looking at my life in retrospect; it’s almost midnight. Through closed eyes, I see a quick flashback of my life. What I remember distinctly is that chilly night of 11th December 2013. I didn’t attend Choto dida and Choto dadu’s marriage anniversary celebration because I had to prepare notes for a boy in my class: the one who didn’t budge from not only breaking my heart but also abusing and gaslighting me. Even through closed eyes, I can see all of it, clear as a daylight. The first day we saw each other, the day he told me he had a girlfriend and I stopped talking to him, the day he showed up at my physics tuition and then the last time we ever met when he tricked me into believing that to love means to touch. Ironically, he never loved me, but asked me to prove my love by letting him in through the fragile naivety that covered my soul, mind and body. Although years later when he apologized, I told him that I have forgiven him, truth is I can never forgive him! He adultered my soul (and every belief that I held close to it). I will never forget the lackluster I saw, when I looked up in his eyes as he was still in the middle of manhandling me. I do not remember how long I foraged to find some emotions in his dark brown eyes that day, but I do remember that I had delved deep enough into them to not only realize that there was no love, but also no sympathy or compassion for me in them. I will never forget the last day we spoke on the phone, and I ravaged my heart, cried in pain for him, all until I heard his only reply ‘You deserved it!’ I hung up. There was nothing more to speak about. Life changed for me from that point onwards. In a few months, I unraveled the part of me that loved writing, I poured my heart into research and social work (an amalgamation that later became the purpose of my life), I found love and got heartbroken several times for a decade henceforth.

And yet, years after years after years, I would still repeat that little simple sentence to justify every time something bad would happen to me : 'You deserved it!' Such is the power of trauma, that it transcends time, space and being.

Suddenly, jolted back to reality, I feel a tear escape hurriedly through my cheeks. I open my eyes as epiphany sets in. It’s 2022. The bad dreams are gone. The bad dreams are long gone. Only its obstinate vestiges will never stop adultering my soul (and every belief that I hold close to it).




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Inferno

It's only now that I realise, Decades of mourning will cease no cries. Love and disaster sewn in one, The eternal inferno I was destined to burn. Damaged was I, maybe a little more now Revived regrets into piles, and how! Like dead petunias on the sea afloat, Like blandness of a solitary piano note, I fell apart from the world to endure, The burden of a soul, impure.
6 comments
Read more

Loneliness never leaves me

I sat by the Mississippi river, my eyes feasting on the changing hues of autumn and my senses enraptured by the cold autumn wind. Out-of-nowhere came a wave of melancholic memories and washed me back to half-a-decade ago when I used to sit alone at the traffic crossing of Rabindra Sadan bleeding doggerels on my little notebook. I remember how the lights of the oncoming traffic on one of the central roadways of Calcutta blinded me. I remember the stares, the smirks cast upon me by judgmental pedestrians. But most of all, I remember how deafeningly silent, unfathomably hollow and terribly lonely it felt even amidst the jostling cacophony of the city.  It awes me how loneliness never left me. Loneliness clawed at me then just as it gnaws at me today. Only, perhaps the blow has dampened over time. It awes me how I travelled thousands of miles to a whole different country to experience loneliness all over again-layered and intense. My heart always restless with the feeling of losing eve...
Post a Comment
Read more

Death Comes Closer

When the passion in my veins becomes the poison in my blood and death comes closer by a step I will not shrivel in sudden fear or dissolve into a mist of a pitiable plight For even when I die My words will illuminate lives with it's perennial light.
3 comments
Read more